Thursday, May 17, 2012


Last evening was the Annual Memorial for our babies at our local hospital. I have been involved since it's inception 3 years ago by providing hand crafted Angel Wings, being the guest speaker last year and providing more Angel Wings and Comfort Boxes this year. What a remarkable evening. Beautiful and comforting. A delicate combination of overwhelming emotion and deep gratitude to be involved in such a meaningful event. One of my best girlfriends and baby loss mom spoke at the ceremony and was brilliant. The tears flowed freely onto my cheeks as I listened to her story. I have heard the story of her precious baby girl a million times, but last night was different. Last night was dedicated to her. Last night I could feel our babies presence much more closely. Almost palpable as we listened and reflected as the singers sang "On Angels Wings". One of the most profound moments for me was when the hostess invited everyone to approach the front of the room and take a pair of Angel Wings. It took a few moments before anyone got the courage to do so. The first gentleman walked slowly towards the wings, head down, somber and shaken. He carefully took a pair and cradled them in his hands.... just as you would cradle a newborn baby. A heartfelt moment that maybe I only saw. Then, one by one, the others approached and I was overwhelmed with such deep and raw emotion and sadness for these parents who are now walking this dreaded path. My heart was both weary and soothed by knowing that I can give back in some small way. That Nicholas' legacy supersedes us and it lives on. If anyone from last evenings ceremony is reading here and would like to contact me, please feel free to do so at:

Thursday, January 12, 2012


Commencing January 12, 2012 a $10.00 donation is requested for wings requested to be mailed out. This is strictly to cover materials and postage.

I will continue to email a personalized JPEG for each request.

I will continue to post the photo, with your Angel's name, on the Angel Wings Memorial Boutique and send each request the link.

Thank you all for your support. Although it saddens me that I am unable to continue to mail out each pair of Angel Wings as a gift, with your small contribution, I am truly grateful to continue to offer some small comfort to other grieving families.

Thank you and peaceful healing.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

choosing Somewhere

As I said before, I have been thinking about entering a local writing competition. The following is what I have come up with and wanted your opinions! It is from a post back in April 2009 - 5 months after losing Nicholas. I have rearranged it slightly... added and tweaked.

What do you think?

Choosing Somewhere

There have been many things in my life that I have been fearful of. When I was young and in grade school, I was extremely self-conscious. I would physically get sick if I was requested to answer a question in front of the entire class. I would convince myself that I was going to mess up, or worse, get the answer entirely wrong. As I matured and experienced more and more impressionable life lessons I became more confident. I came a long, long way from being the insecure, afraid little girl I was. And then my son died.

Back then, challenging my fear was not something I wanted to do, but if I wanted to do well in school, I had to conquer that fear. At the time I didn't realize the subtle things I was learning by pushing myself and expanding my comfort zone. I didn't know that my confidence would grow, propelling me to take risks in other areas of my life. The lesson I learned was that in order to get “somewhere you had to leave nowhere behind”.

After Nicholas died I found myself living in 'nowhere' land. That was fine with me. My comfort zone had been shattered, my world had stopped. We were forced to take this unwanted journey through grief. Initially, the pain could be so intense and so powerful it threatened to dissolve the soul.
Nowhere land was just fine for a while. I wanted to stay there for a long time. Nowhere became very comfortable...and somewhere was not a place I wanted to go.

There are still days I find myself not wanting to go somewhere… still days when the heaviness in my heart outweighs the joys. The comfort of nowhere is enticing at times. It’s familiar. It’s safe. But it’s not where I want to be. Somewhere along the way I made the decision to challenge myself – confidently answering a question in front of the class – so to speak. I chose to go somewhere and it’s taken me to places I never could have imagined.

Early in our journey I remember thinking that anywhere is better than nowhere. I was so tired of feeling sad and helpless all of the time. It was after recognizing that anywhere is better than nowhere that I felt some healing begin. There were many days when I was terrified of where somewhere would take me. The unknown is distressing. The waiting, close to unbearable.

Grief is dreadful stuff. Grief has pounded me, tortured me, exhausted me and collapsed my very soul. It never ceases to amaze me the strength and tenacity of the Human Spirit. After experiencing the unimaginable I somehow manage to keep breathing, somehow I manage to exist, somehow I have managed to grow from such devastation.

I was terrified that choosing to go ‘somewhere’ meant leaving Nicholas behind - now I know that is the furthest from the truth. He has travelled with me to 'somewhere'. He has allowed me to get there. He has helped me get back up when I’ve stumbled along the way. I chose to acknowledge my pain, confront it and slowly the pain lessened. The past three years have been intense, unpredictable and full of unimaginable grief, but they have also been filled with hope, inspiration and an incredible amount of healing. Nicholas has enriched our family with an energy and infinite love that is beyond comprehension.

There is an indomitable strength and spirit that now resides in my heart. A desire to comfort and support others that have been forced to travel this journey of forever grieving their babies; one where I have walked and wept. It is the intrinsic need to express my immeasurable love for my youngest son in a positive and tangible way. To keep his memory alive. To help his legacy soar. This desire is deep in my bones. It pumps through my soul and it bleeds through the work I create in honour of Nicholas. Offering my love and true understanding to others empowers me and has allowed me to reach an incredible strength within. A strength that can hopefully make a difference in someone else’s time of need.

Choosing to go “somewhere and to leave nowhere behind" is a constant struggle. Grief, hope, sadness, love… will always co-mingle in my heart. But I will continue to fight. I will continue to reach out to others. I will continue to honour my son with all that I am.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Luke Shiloh

Nevaeh Navi & Atrayue Alexander

Madison Elizabeth


Hannah Elizabeth Hensley

Alex Stafford

Tessa Jean

Ezekiel Alexander

Hunter Grace


Can't Keep Up......

I have had to make a very difficult decision. Financially I am unable to keep up with Angel Wing requests. To date I have created and posted over 600 pairs of Angel Wings. As you can imagine, the materials and the postage add up quickly. It saddens me to realize that I am unable to continue to offer this incredible comfort to grieving parents as a gift.

I have been humbled by several generous donations in the past, however, they are minimal and I seem to exhaust the contributions on a wing by wing basis.

My thought is to continue to offer these special Angel Wings at a small cost.

As my loyal followers, I would love some feedback.

All my love,